The other day, my law firm received a catalog of Catholic items addressed to a former employee. My boss and I idly flipped through it, and were bemused by page 8’s Crown of Thorns – not so much because of the crown itself, but because of the breathless legend “Imported directly from Jerusalem” and the even bolder “Customer Favorite!”
I brought it home to share with my roommate. The following is a partial transcription.
Cecilia: I could get you ashes. “Serves 500 people!”
Cecilia: I could get you a coffee mug that says “Serve with a heart like Jesus.”
Joy: Does the other side say “Wash my feet”? …“100% Catholic” mug? What does that even mean?
Cecilia: I’m 50% Catholic and 50% Druid.
Cecilia: I could get you a mug that says “To get through today, I’m gonna need a bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus!”
Joy: That just makes it sound like I’m hogging all the Communion hosts. Gobbling them like a hobbit.
Cecilia: I could get you a cross pendant that my 12-year-old self thought was so cool.
Joy: Honestly, that’s a better recommendation than most other things from this catalog are getting.
Cecilia: Do you want a St. Peregrin medal?
Joy: Does he wander? He’d better wander.
Joy: Hey, Cecilia. Do you want a Proverbs 31 tote bag? And wallet? And mug? I’m sure you need them.
Cecilia: Hey, Joy. Do you want a “In Christ, all things are possible” tote bag?
Joy: “So jot that down…”
Cecilia: I could get you a modern chapel veil.
Joy: What’s modern about it?
Cecilia: Looks like it’s shorter. Do you want a statue Therese of the Holy Face?
Joy: Wait, is Therese of the Holy Face different from –
Cecilia: That’s Therese of the Child Jesus.
Joy: Oh, okay. ….wait, is Therese of Lisieux –
Cecilia: Therese of Jesus is Therese of Avila. Therese of the Child Jesus is Therese of Lisieux. Edith Stein is Theresa Benedicta of the Cross.
Joy: That was nice of her, to mix it up a bit.
Cecilia: I could get you a St. Benedict fancy pendant, zinc alloy. I don’t have any other argument for it, but it’s fancy!
Joy: That is an argument for ketchup.
Cecilia: I can get you a sleeping St. Joseph statue. I know that’s what you’ve always wanted.
Cecilia: I could get you rosary pliers.
Joy: What the actual.
Cecilia: Would you like a St. Jude rosary?
Joy: What are you trying to say.
Cecilia: Would you like a tiger’s eye rosary?
Joy: Honestly, I used to collect tiger’s eyes, so like. If you *must.*
Cecilia: A men’s hematite rosary. But there’s no women’s hematite rosary….!!
Cecilia: I could get you the Catholic Book of Facts.
Joy: How many pages is it? Wouldn’t that include, like, the entire Summa Theologica?
Cecilia: …98 pages.
Cecilia: “Dead Savior statue.”
Joy: Umm. Excuse me?!
Cecilia: “Risen and Crucified Christ”? I’m sure that’s heretical. Alright, this is the crucifix section. This better not piss me off. …a luminous wall crucifix?
Cecilia: I think that means it glows in the dark. Ooh, I could get you the wall plaque that says “This is a Catholic home!”
Cecilia: Why is St. Stephen wearing modern deacon’s garb?
Joy: Probably so you know it’s St. Stephen.
Cecilia: Would you like to spend the low, low price of $695 on a statue of St. Michael for me?
Joy: …is that a thing you want?
Cecilia: No, but maybe I could use a flower stand. Oooh, candle stands! They’re only $129.95. Candle not included. “Cemetery holy water pot travel kit.” Pastoral call set… “Host sold separately.” Mass kit replacement items…
Joy: Does that include the host?
Cecilia: No. Where do I get the hosts from? Ooh, let’s get a reliquary. Joy, let’s get altar bells! There’s a lot of variety.
Joy: Those were surprisingly expensive!
Cecilia: This one’s only $50. We could get a censor! And a censor stand.
Joy: Wait, that’s different from a thurible, right?
Cecilia: I can’t find hosts and I can’t find Paschal candles; what use is this to me?! …… I FOUND THE HOSTS. “Save 25% with these exclusive, top quality hosts. …Sealed to ensure freshness, untouched by human hands.” Who baked them? Angels? Cats?
Cecilia: “Self-fitting albs.”
Joy: Are those from Madame Malkin?! Or Gladrags?
Cecilia: The model for the front-wrap alb is a little attractive. Let’s turn the page.
Cecilia: You could get a funeral pall! Never know when you might need one! Hmm. These robes are for exposition of the Blessed Sacrament, but they mostly just look like Harry Potter capes.
Cecilia: YES. THE BEST PART. “Children of the world” tapestry stoles.
Cecilia: Who would put these banners up in church? Are these for Catholics or non-denominational Protestants?
Cecilia: This guy just reminds me of Buddy Jesus.
ALL THAT BEING SAID. If you’ve ever wanted, say, a St. Dymphna statue, a rosary auto decal, or a stretchy candy cross bracelet, and had no idea where to purchase them? These folks have you covered.