5000 Catholic Items Your Faith Life Definitely Needs

The other day, my law firm received a catalog of Catholic items addressed to a former employee.  My boss and I idly flipped through it, and were bemused by page 8’s Crown of Thorns – not so much because of the crown itself, but because of the breathless legend “Imported directly from Jerusalem” and the even bolder “Customer Favorite!”

I brought it home to share with my roommate.  The following is a partial transcription.

Cecilia:  I could get you ashes.  “Serves 500 people!”

Cecilia:  I could get you a coffee mug that says “Serve with a heart like Jesus.”
Joy:  Does the other side say “Wash my feet”?  …“100% Catholic” mug?  What does that even mean?
Cecilia:  I’m 50% Catholic and 50% Druid.

Cecilia:  I could get you a mug that says “To get through today, I’m gonna need a bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus!”
Joy:  That just makes it sound like I’m hogging all the Communion hosts.  Gobbling them like a hobbit.

Cecilia:  I could get you a cross pendant that my 12-year-old self thought was so cool.
Joy:  Honestly, that’s a better recommendation than most other things from this catalog are getting.

Cecilia:  Do you want a St. Peregrin medal?
Joy:  Does he wander?  He’d better wander.

Joy:  Hey, Cecilia.  Do you want a Proverbs 31 tote bag?  And wallet?  And mug?  I’m sure you need them.
Cecilia:  Hey, Joy.  Do you want a “In Christ, all things are possible” tote bag?
Joy:  “So jot that down…”

Cecilia:  I could get you a modern chapel veil.
Joy:  What’s modern about it?
Cecilia:  Looks like it’s shorter.  Do you want a statue Therese of the Holy Face?
Joy:  Wait, is Therese of the Holy Face different from –
Cecilia:  That’s Therese of the Child Jesus.
Joy:  Oh, okay.  ….wait, is Therese of Lisieux –
Cecilia:  Therese of Jesus is Therese of Avila.  Therese of the Child Jesus is Therese of Lisieux.  Edith Stein is Theresa Benedicta of the Cross.
Joy:  That was nice of her, to mix it up a bit.

Cecilia:  I could get you a St. Benedict fancy pendant, zinc alloy.  I don’t have any other argument for it, but it’s fancy!
Joy:  That is an argument for ketchup.

Cecilia:  I can get you a sleeping St. Joseph statue.  I know that’s what you’ve always wanted.

Cecilia:  I could get you rosary pliers.
Joy:  What the actual.
Cecilia:  Would you like a St. Jude rosary?
Joy:  What are you trying to say.
Cecilia:  Would you like a tiger’s eye rosary?
Joy:  Honestly, I used to collect tiger’s eyes, so like.  If you *must.*
Cecilia:  A men’s hematite rosary.  But there’s no women’s hematite rosary….!!

Cecilia:  I could get you the Catholic Book of Facts.
Joy:  How many pages is it?  Wouldn’t that include, like, the entire Summa Theologica?
Cecilia:  …98 pages.

Cecilia:  “Dead Savior statue.”
Joy:  Umm.  Excuse me?!
Cecilia: “Risen and Crucified Christ”?  I’m sure that’s heretical.  Alright, this is the crucifix section.  This better not piss me off.  …a luminous wall crucifix?
Joy:  “Luminous”?
Cecilia:  I think that means it glows in the dark.  Ooh, I could get you the wall plaque that says “This is a Catholic home!”

Cecilia:  Why is St. Stephen wearing modern deacon’s garb?
Joy:  Probably so you know it’s St. Stephen.

Cecilia:  Would you like to spend the low, low price of $695 on a statue of St. Michael for me?
Joy:  …is that a thing you want?
Cecilia:  No, but maybe I could use a flower stand.  Oooh, candle stands!  They’re only $129.95.  Candle not included.  “Cemetery holy water pot travel kit.”  Pastoral call set… “Host sold separately.”  Mass kit replacement items…
Joy:  Does that include the host?
Cecilia:  No.  Where do I get the hosts from?  Ooh, let’s get a reliquary.  Joy, let’s get altar bells!  There’s a lot of variety.
Joy:  Those were surprisingly expensive!
Cecilia:  This one’s only $50.  We could get a censor!  And a censor stand.
Joy:  Wait, that’s different from a thurible, right?

Cecilia:  I can’t find hosts and I can’t find Paschal candles; what use is this to me?!  …… I FOUND THE HOSTS.  “Save 25% with these exclusive, top quality hosts.  …Sealed to ensure freshness, untouched by human hands.”  Who baked them?  Angels?  Cats?

Cecilia: “Self-fitting albs.”
Joy:  Are those from Madame Malkin?!  Or Gladrags?
Cecilia:  The model for the front-wrap alb is a little attractive.  Let’s turn the page.

Cecilia:  You could get a funeral pall!  Never know when you might need one!   Hmm.  These robes are for exposition of the Blessed Sacrament, but they mostly just look like Harry Potter capes.

Cecilia:  YES.  THE BEST PART.  “Children of the world” tapestry stoles.

Cecilia:  Who would put these banners up in church?  Are these for Catholics or non-denominational Protestants?

Cecilia:  This guy just reminds me of Buddy Jesus.


ALL THAT BEING SAID.  If you’ve ever wanted, say, a St. Dymphna statue, a rosary auto decal, or a stretchy candy cross bracelet, and had no idea where to purchase them?  These folks have you covered.

Reality and Unreality: Rumblr

Among other odd things the internet has told me recently, I heard of an app for casual fistfights called Rumblr.  As I was sharing this supposed fact with a friend via chat – “Look, it’s for all those times when you need to punch a guy but cannot find one available for punching” – I checked it on Snopes, only to find that it’s not a real app.  Rather, some blokes wanted to start a creative consulting agency, and creating buzz around this fictitious app was part of their portfolio: look!  We can get the whole world talking about a Fight Club app, even though there’s no such thing; imagine what we could do for you and your real company and its real products.  Even though they’re very quotidian and boring.  We have the skills.  Our engagement with the market convinces them to pay very real attention.

As my friend George put it: “This all feels like a disgustingly post-modern subversion of the fight club idea – an imaginary fight club app (already a subversion) that is meant to advertise for a consulting agency (more subversion).  There are so many levels of insincerity piled on top of something that was originally supposed to be about stripping away the false modern facade of life and reducing men to their primal instincts…It’s kind of grand, really.”

I’m putting it in my mental file next to “an e-reader version of 1984 where the text changes as you read it.”

Using Beefcake to Sell Milk

Over the weekend, I was reminded that some brilliant person decided to award the best television advertisements in the British isles with fama gloriaque.  The British Arrows celebrate the imagination, craft, and wit found in British ads, and the shortlist of the winners gets sent to various museums and art centers.

It’s basically like the Super Bowl, except without any American football being involved, and the ads themselves are better.

There were some surreal lager ads, poignant John Lewis (whatever that is) ads, even more surreal T-mobile ads, truly distressing anti-knife PSAs, and this beautiful (if utterly unrealistic) little gem that I figured y’all might appreciate:

Runner-up favorite: the Aldi shopper whose husband enjoys both the £3.99 and the £2.49 tea.  “But I don’t like tea,” she says.  “I like gin.”