This is my follow up to Melpomene’s very sensitive, romantic, and intellectual post on the Manly Men of Fiction. Not that I am precluding the possibility of romance for this post–that is, if you find gunpowder, sweat, and a little blood romantic.
So, my sister and I had a Valentines date together and we went to an Italian restaurant. The special Valentine’s Day Menu offered us a “Banfi Wine Flight.” My internet research tells me Castello Banfi is a wine estate in Tuscany. Be that as it may, my sister automatically misread it as BAMF Flight. (BAMF, in case you are like me the first time my sister used the term, stands for Bad Ass Mo’ Fo’.) Well, of course we had to decide who would make our BAMF Flight if there really was such a thing. Here are the fruits of our labors. (Populating our flight was work, I assure you.) We suggest you use your BAMFs to kill spiders, take out the trash, and blow stuff up.
You can call him Snake. He’s a former Special Forces, WW III veteran turned criminal who gets sent to rescue the President after Air Force One crashes in New York City. What’s so tough about the Big Apple, you ask? Well, in this alternate future, the entire island of Manhattan has been walled off for use as a maximum security prison where the most dangerous criminals just get dumped and left to fend for themselves. Did I mention he really rocks the eye-patch and camo pants?
Ezio Auditore da Firenze
Ezio is literally the renaissance man when it comes to swift and sudden death-dealing. His signature weapons are the double hidden blades, tools inherited from his ancestor Altaïr ibn La’Ahad and upgraded by artist and inventor Leonarda da Vinci. Ezio prowls the rooftops and backstreets of renaissance Italy on a mission to protect her citizens from the tyrannical political machinations of the order of the Templars. He wears the classic assassin’s garb of red and white, and that hood alone adds +10 to his badass score.
Kirill, Russian Assassin
This was really just an excuse to get Karl Urban on the list. We could have picked William Cooper, his FBI Agent in Red, or Vaako, the necromancer warrior from Chronicles of Riddick. I think Cooper is just a tad too clean cut, and Vaako has really bad hair. But Russians are generally pretty badass, and assassins are definitely badass. So Kirill from The Bourne Supremacy it was.
Clint Eastwood is classic badass, as exemplified by his character Blondie from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. He’s silent, with nerves of steel and aim that never misses. He can outfox the bad and the ugly, and his poncho is a cinematic icon in its own right. But the best part? He’s nice to kittens!
Cyberpunk savior, Neo’s the one you need when it’s time to pull out the big guns–except he doesn’t even need the firepower. There is no spoon, and those bullets aren’t real, either. Neo’s black leather trenchcoat, combat boots and shades set the fashion bar for ‘90s sci-fi cool. And don’t forget he’s got theo/mythological symbolism and a prophesy, too.
Yes, Mr. Willis makes it onto this list just as himself. He’s the badass action hero icon, with or without hair. I’m embarrassed to say I haven’t actually seen the original Die Hard, something that needs to be rectified immediately. Recently, I watched him in The Surrogates. Intelligent sci-fi action film? Very good. With Bruce Willis? Hecks, YES.
He’s on the flight because, well, he puts the “bad” in “badass.” Very much bad-boy vampire from the Vampire Diaries (yes, I watch it), he’s the evil half of the Salvatore brothers duo. He’d just as soon kill you as go fishing. (Oops, wrong movie quote.) He can ooze charisma when he wants, and those stunning blue eyes show up nicely against that all-black ensemble. Nope, no compelling needed on this girl. As the series progresses, he’s revealed to have a less-evil capacity-for-good side that could maybe get the better of him if he could just stop getting betrayed by the witchy woman who owns his heart. Oh, and he does that flirty, sexy eye thing.