Anticipating Valentine’s Day: Chocolate-Bacon Roses

Sometimes odd occurrences intersect.  Today I was slightly hungry, rather tired, still kind of crafty, and a tad lonely, with a dash of that devil-may-care attitude that can come upon a person when her flatmate’s out and she has no Friday evening plans.  And all that converged with the fact that it’s February, obnoxious red and pink displays are out in full force no matter what store you enter, and dratted Desire is rearing her detestable, cupiditous head.

Which somehow brought these to mind:

I would say “Boom.  Full speed ahead to makin’ bacon roses!” but for the fact that I have long pondered the concept of bacon covered in chocolate.  Perhaps it’s Peachy’s fault, or Zingerman’s, or those crazy dissipated folk down on Lowell Street.  At any rate, seeing as there was bacon in the fridge and chocolate in the cupboard, I was not about to leave either one of them to fend for themselves.  In fact, I wasn’t even going to pause and consult the Internet for its wisdom regarding bacon shapes, because there were roses to make.

Into the pan went the bacon.  Into the pot went the 2-cup measure of makeshift double-boiler goodness.  Out came the asparagus, which was the nearest thing I could find to a stem on short notice.

This is the sort of situation that makes you wonder what you’re doing with your life:  when you walk around your apartment for five minutes holding bacon wrapped around a stalk of asparagus, hoping the chocolate will set enough in its travels away from the stove that it can be set in the freezer without shifting.  Or when you take a spatula to approximate a chocolate sepal and have fingers so chocolatey that it’s actually difficult to lick them off (because, let’s get real here, washing one’s hands only happens after the licking progress.  It’s like being a cat for a bit, except for the chocolate-being-poisonous-to-felines aspect).  Or when you are waiting for things to set in the freezer and dip banana in the melted chocolate and remember when Hillsdale’s catering folk sprang for a chocolate fountain.  Then you wonder why you didn’t fail your CCA on purpose so you could stay there.  Then you remember the cost of tuition.  Then you think that you’ve wandered from the topic a fair bit and check the freezer.  You add another coat for added stability and wonder how vexed that one friend in Ypsi will be when she learns that you made chocolate-bacon roses and didn’t bring them to her immediately.  You nibble a piece that simply refused to stay in place and look like a series of petals, then wonder if you have just used too much chocolate.  And then wonder if you have lost all concept of proportion and propriety with respect to chocolate.  Gradually your prose dissolves into sentence fragments.

…erm, anyway, here’s the end product.  They’re not the most beautiful food I have ever prepared, but I’m pretty sure the ingredients involved compensate somehow.  Also, it turns out that I may as well have consulted the Internet, because some cleverer person has already determined that wrapping raw bacon into a rose shape and baking it in a perforated muffin tin enables it to keep its structural integrity – and anyone who knows me very well at all knows that I am all about structural integrity in my food (protip: asparagus that comes in and out of the freezer is not structurally sound material).  This nonsense of frying bacon and then wrapping it up with chocolate for glue and cursing the skinnier bits for having gotten too crispy is simply…nonsense.            On the other hand, if there were ever a project I were willing to learn by trial and error, I’m pretty sure making chocolate-covered bacon roses is it.  Dear Feast of St. Valentine: bring it on.


8 thoughts on “Anticipating Valentine’s Day: Chocolate-Bacon Roses

  1. That sounds like a really fun day in the kitchen!
    geese, never thought anyone would come up with this combination.
    i can’t quite imagine how bacon tastes with chocolate though…

    • Well, let me attempt to summon up my descriptive powers. Depending on how well-coated the bacon is, you first encounter the taste and texture of the chocolate alone (as you would with chocolate-covered peanuts or dried fruit or whatnot). The bacon inside is chewy (as it’s easier to shape if you don’t let it get too crispy), a bit like jerky due to how it’s kept cold. The bacon grease flavor permeates the chocolate, giving it a savory quality.

      Overall, it’s a bit weird but agreeable. It’s not got the addictive quality of chocolate-covered pretzels (at least, not for me), but it’s not as off-putting as the flavor/texture of bacon-infused bourbon (which was a component in the grossest Manhattan I’ve ever had).

  2. Is that last picture your actual result? ‘Cause if it is, the one in the foreground at least didn’t come out half bad.

    “Then you wonder why you didn’t fail your CCA on purpose so you could stay there. Then you remember the cost of tuition.” Heh, I’m glad I’m not the only one this happens to.

    • Indeed ’tis. I attempted to use less chocolate on the one in the background in hopes that it would look more rose-like and more bacon-y, but mostly it looks like it’s not sure of itself. Sadly the stalks got quite droopy.

      A few of my friends threatened to steal my CCA paper from the box so I wouldn’t pass “Westerns.” Would it have worked? Probably not, but it was a grand plan.

  3. I don’t know if you evaluate your success as a writer by whether or not your readers give in to the cravings you induce, but I just had to delve into my chocolate stash because of you: I am consuming a Vosges curry coconut milk chocolate bar as I type. They are the same people who make the Mo’s Bacon Bar as seen in Zingerman’s. I prefer the milk chocolate bacon bar to the dark one. Actually, Vosges is my favorite gourmet chocolate–forget Godiva; it’s far overrated. Sadly, my favorite Vosges bar (milk chocolate matcha) has been discontinued. Vosges is pricy, yes, but definitely worth it for fun, exotic chocolate.

  4. When I got to “This is the sort of situation that makes you wonder what you’re doing with your life…” and read what follows, I about peed myself laughing.

    OK, Joy. Can we just … schedule SOMETHING soon? I need to be up in A2 again. Or you need to come down here. Seriously.

  5. Pingback: Chocolate-Covered Bacon Roses Redux « Egotist's Club

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